What's a Woman to do?

I’ve been thinking a lot about my womanhood lately. (big surprise)
I feel like these thoughts fall under the larger question I’m exploring this year: who the heck am I?

More specifically, I ask myself, “what does it mean for me to be a woman?” Besides the basic anatomical differences and my remarkable capability to give birth (booyah!) - what does this mean about my identity?

Between graduate school, “Christian culture,” and my own brokenness I feel like I am being pulled in many different directions. I want above all to follow that still, small voice which has given me abundant life. But first I need to decipher the voice I know from the noise surrounding it.

Grad school tells me my womanhood is irrelevant. The doctoral process for history is still based on a centuries-old apprenticeship system which assumes a 19th century masculine identity. In other words, young budding scholars are expected to invest their whole selves in the discipline - scorning all human relationships and interactions at the pursuit of historical knowledge. (Because white professional men in the 19th century weren't expected to a. spend much time building family relationships b. show any emotion) - as you can see this ideal is problematic for both men and women.

One female professor of color told me that as a graduate student I would learn not just how to become a scholar and teacher, but how to talk, think and carry myself like an intellectual. Another told me that within the doctoral process one is “remade.” Still another woman scholar warned me as I started my first quarter that I “shouldn’t expect to have a life.” Even though these women were subjected to this ridiculous process (or probably even worse), they merely accept that it’s what you have to go through to become a professor.

Thus, the majority of the professors I encounter at UCLA are, or have been, divorced. And I bet you anything there children are really angsty and unhappy.

However, “Christian culture” certainly has something different to say about my womanhood. [Now, let me preface this by saying this does not speak for all Christians, rather its more a vocalization of a cultural/societal force I personally feel.] Much of this depends on how you interpret key Biblical passages (Ephesians 5, 1 Timothy 2). Now regardless of what these passages REALLY mean, and how God really intended male-female relationships to be, there is a fairly dominant Christian view that the woman needs to submit herself to the leadership of her husband. And regardless of the true definition of “submission” or “headship,” for many American Christian women this means that their ultimate goal should be to find a strong Christian leader husband. Now don’t get me wrong, I love strong Christian leader husbands. [I’d love to have one myself someday... wink.] But it worries me that so many Christian women aren’t attentive to what God’s call may be for their life, that they may miss opportunities to pursue God’s kingdom wholeheartedly because of convention.

More than anything, it makes me worry how much of this “Christian culture” is influencing me in the decisions I make about my future. As I consider whether I should leave my program early with a masters, I worry that I may choose that path not because I feel God is calling me to it, but because I don’t want to be more ambitious or successful than my future husband (... and he's only hypothetical!) Isn’t that sad? If God calls me to get a PhD, then I want to follow his call! Why would I listen to these other silly voices?

But I also don't want to disregard all human relationships at the expense of professional development - in fact, I'm pretty certain I would not survive mentally and spiritually in those circumstances.

So what's a woman to do?

[Note: I imagine that a man's experience would have both similarities and differences from what I've written below... I'd love to hear a masculine perspective sometime - or an alternative feminine one!]