God on Skid Row

Sometimes we hear from God in the least expected places. This Sunday I felt God's encouragement and love through two men on Skid Row. But then again, considering God's identification with the poor, Skid Row probably shouldn't be one of the "least expected places" to hear from God...

First was Frank, a regular at our outreach. After we chatted for a bit, he asked me what I do outside of volunteering at Skid Row on Sundays and I explained my graduate program in history. I'm seeing that I've been thinking/speaking pretty negatively about my experience at UCLA, although it actually hasn't been that bad. I guess I feel like I need to justify why I'm spending five years back in school, why I'm becoming increasingly elite (as if being an upper middle class, college-educated white woman isn't enough!), and probably more to the point, why I'm not doing more directly to help/advocate for/bring justice to people like Frank on Skid Row. This paired with the fears I've had in class - feelings of inadequacy, that I shouldn't be in grad school - make me speak about grad school with a sense of hesitation. Frank noticed this and basically told me, gently, to stop complaining and take advantage of this opportunity given to me - and stop worrying about what my profs and other students think of me. He said, "Don't doubt yourself! You can't let anyone tell you that you're not somebody." This is where God has me for now - I need to own it! Preach it Frank.

As we were putting away the tables and passing out the last of the food I started talking for a little bit with another regular, Chris. I have no clue how we got onto this topic, but he started telling me how beautiful I was (side note: I didn't feel like it was in a creepy or inappropriate way - there aren't very many young, fresh-faced women on Skid Row so its not unusual for us ladies to get this reaction.) He said "Caroline, you are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are a beautiful creation of God." I changed the subject and asked to hear more about his week - but his words stuck with me for some reason. Later as I was reflecting on my time at Skid Row, I felt like God was telling me "Caroline, that is how I see you." But not because of my physical appearance or my personality, but I am beautiful simply because I am his daughter. Sitting in this notion, that his love transcends and surpasses any affirmation or appreciation I could ever receive from any human, has been amazing. I pray that you (whoever is reading this) also feel that deep love and understand how "fearfully and wonderfully" you have been crafted. At church this Sunday we read these words from 1 John "How great is the love the Father has lavished on is, that we should be called his sons and daughters! And that is what we are!"

Listening

I want to become a better listener. Today I was reminded that listening well is an incredibly powerful and meaningful discipline. This afternoon, as I began to make my never-ending reading list for the weekend, my mom called. Not too long before this I had given her an update on my week. But she called back a few minutes later, asking me to tell her more about my US History course. She could tell that I was a bit worried.

Okay, worried is an understatement. I typically consider myself a strong woman. I usually feel grounded in who I am, and who God created me to me. But this class messes me up. I sit there in our discussions and wonder who the heck let me into grad school (and what the freak is a "meta-narrative"??) I can physically feel the fear creeping in on me. This ridiculous urge to prove myself to my classmates and professors paralyzes me.

Yeah. Grad school is crazy. But God is good in helping me deal with all these issues and see where my real value lies. And that's a whole 'nother blog post and not the point of this story.

I'm talking about listening. And that's what my mom did. She asked for me to explain more why I felt this way. I did. She said she'd be praying for me. It was as simple as that.

But if it's so easy, why do we have such a hard time doing it? Henri Nouwen in Compassion lays the smack down on my soul, once again:

"Paying attention to our fellow human beings is far from easy. We tend to be so insecure about our self-worth and so much in need of affirmation that it is very hard not to ask for attention ourselves. Before we are fully aware of it, we are speaking about ourselves, referring to our own experiences, telling our stories, or turning the subject of conversation toward our own territory." (81)

Dude, if you don't act this way around people, let's talk. I want you to disciple me! Because this process of "self-emptying" is so counterintuitive, so radically opposed to my current behavior. It must be from Jesus.

And the benefits of listening, of this "moving away from the center of attention and inviting others into that space" are immense. As Nouwen writes,

"From experience we know how healing such an invitation can be. When someone listens to us with real concentration and expresses sincere care for our struggles and our pains, we feel that something very deep is happening to us. Slowly, fears melt away, tensions dissolve, anxieties retreat, and we discover that we carry within us something we can trust and offer as a gift to others. The simple experience of being valuable and important to someone else has tremendous recreative power." (81)

This self-emptying is not about shaming or mistreating ourselves - rather its about recognizing and helping others to recognize the innate value within THEM.

Wow. It's really not all about me.